When my eldest daughter was the age of my youngest daughter all I could think of having another one. I saw my baby girl becoming a toddler girl; all of a sudden, she was a preschooler. I missed the days when I could hold her and she’d sleep on me. When I was her whole world, her comfort, her warmth, even her food. She used to listen to me sing as a newborn. It was one of the most amazing things. I would hold her and rock her and sing to her, and she would just stare at me, enraptured. It always calmed her.
Yes, I missed having a baby to cuddle and snuggle with. I even missed, slightly, feeling the growth of a baby in my womb. No matter how I grouse about pregnancy, there is something magical about it that nothing will ever match. There is no feeling on this Earth like the first time you feel a child move inside of you. Even with ultrasounds and knowing that there is something in there, feeling the baby move makes it real.
Things are different this time around. It always is with a second baby. There is no way you can have the same experience as with the first simply because it’s the second. They are a new person. A different person. And you have an older child running about who also needs you, so this new baby doesn’t get the same quality snuggles or mommy time. It’s just a sad fact. But you love this new person, just as much as the first child.
But this time, I don’t want a new baby to snuggle. I saw a woman a few weeks ago who had two boys about the age of my girls and who was VERY pregnant. I couldn’t help but stare in horror at the thought of having another baby right now. If I were to become pregnant, I think I might cry. After almost 4 years of being completely tethered to one infant or another, I’m finally coming back into the world. I’m no longer breastfeeding anyone, the younger one is walking and beginning to talk, and I can leave both of them with babysitters and know that they will be fine. There is only one nap a day, instead of two, so I can take them places and have fun without worrying about one child or another missing a nap. I’m emerging and I am not looking back.
I loved my babies, but two is enough. In fact, I told my husband that if I, at some point in the future, suggest having another baby, he should just buy me a puppy, so that I remember what it’s like with a newborn. For now though, I will hug my girls as often as they let me and keep my uterus on lock down. Two babies is enough.